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[APRIL FOOLS] All Harem Anime Cancelled As Protagonists Practice Social Distancing

Due to the spread of the novel coronavirus, all harem anime has been cancelled while the protagonists practice social distancing.

A staple of anime, harem series have found a place in just about every season since the 1980s, however they will be noticeably absent from the upcoming Spring 2020 season.

“We just don’t think it’s responsible,” Said director Nanashi Tokumei. “We all need to be doing our part to flatten the curve, and what kind of example are we setting for safe social distancing when our characters are smothered in cleavage?”

To that end, any harem series scheduled to be released this year will either be postponed until the end of the pandemic, or altered to discourage unnecessary contact. The Japanese Harem Association (日本ハレム団体連合会) has put forth the following guidelines.

  • All groping and fondling must be done with medical-grade nitrile examination gloves.
  • Participation in “Accidental Encounters” must be pre-approved by a staff physician.
  • No running with toast in mouth until further notice.
  • All animation teams must have a biohazard cleanup kit to handle nosebleeds.
  • Hazmat suits must be made available “upon request” by series heroines.

When asked about the changes to their series, the love interests had this to say:

“I hope that all this ends soon… but it’s not like I want to hold hands without gloves or anything! Baka!” said a girl from the hit series Tsuntsun Love Panic! who asked to remain anonymous.

“All my appearances have been cancelled the rest of the year. Do you know how hard it is for Onee-san types in this industry already? How am I supposed to ara ara if I can’t touch anyone?” lamented Aneue Umeki from My Little Brother Can’t Possibly Be This Cute.

We should note that nearly all of the harem protagonists we spoke to were unaware that they were part of a harem anime.

Image: My Anime List

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A basement-dwelling ogre, Brandon's a fan of indie games and slice of life anime. Has too many games and not enough time.